It's a....

We had our ultra sound early this morning and had the technician seal the gender in an envelope. It was SO hard not to look. The ultra sound was incredible! Our sweet baby actually looks like a baby now and not a blob. We saw it's little fist and little toes. I'm so grateful for technology that we could check for any problems and have some cute pictures of our little growing baby.

This evening, Chris' cousin and his photographer wife took our gender envelope and bought balloons for our awesome gender reveal photo shoot.

Since most of you have already scrolled down to the pictures, I'll just stop writing now and get to the good stuff.

and then I started crying...big alligator tears

I knew it was a girl! Chris was convinced it was a boy but he's still happy to have a little princess.

I have to give a huge thank you and shout out to our amazing photographer, Amanda from Campbell Photography (visit her website here). She did such a fantastic job. We're so thankful that she could be there to capture this special moment for us.

A rose by any other name...

When I was little, I got anxiety over naming my Barbies and baby dolls. Naming an actual human being that you can't change the name of when you get tired of it is WAY harder.

The thing that makes it easier is that I already know what I want the name to be if it's a girl. It's a family name, and a name I decided on when I was like 16 years old. I had a list of boy's names but suddenly when I pictured calling my child that, I didn't like them anymore.

Names on my boy list (none of which I think I like anymore):

• Ryder
• Desmond
• Jude 
• Titus
• Declan
• Theodore
• Nolan
• Chandler
• Donovan

So instead of continually googling 'boy names' I went to the library and got the most recent baby name book I could find:

(Circa 2006)

So far it still hasn't helped me find more names that I like, but it has some rather amusing lists that I thought you might enjoy.

For instance, if I wanted my future daughter or son to be a fashionista, I might choose from the " Future Fashionistas" list which has names like:

• Ant (B)
• Barkan (B)
• Blevin (B)
• Calum (B)
• Kenji (B)
• Anoushka (G)
• Chiara (G)
• Elkie (G)
• Joonypur (G)
• Tirsa (G)

Or maybe I want my child to be a vegetarian. Well wouldn't you know, there's a list for that too:

• A'Dhron (B)
• Bonita (G)
• Biondi (B)
• Detra (G)
• Kemper (B)
• Fara Lynn (G)

The book is complete with other lists such as

• Future Models
• Future Doctors
• Future Republicans
• High Spirited Kids
• Bad-to-the Bone, Death Row Names (obviously choosing from this one, the first name is Adolph.)
• Scary Creepy Names
• Names that make kids feel weird (why???)

Anyway, I've obviously got a bit more research to do. The good news is that I have roughly 6 more months in which to do it.

Fighting food

I can't believe how much my outlook on food has changed since becoming great with child. Eating has become the biggest ordeal.

What will I eat? What can I eat? What sounds good? What have I not thrown up recently? (Something about seeing food come back up makes it really difficult to swallow that same food down later. I.e. yogurt, tomato soup, babybell cheese, Taco Bell, mashed potatoes.)

Before getting pregnant I was always struggling with dieting. Not any no carb thing or really specific plan. I was just working really hard to eat the right amount of the right foods and count my calories to ensure I wasn't eating too much. However, my 'diet' often diminished into "I'm watching TV and I'm bored I'm going to get a snack...and another snack....and another snack" until all of a sudden I've eaten so much food that I'm incredibly full and don't even want to figure out how many calories that was.

Now it's more like:
Chris- what do you want to eat?
Jocelyn- I don't know...
Chris- do you want A, B, or C?
Jocelyn- no. None of that sounds good.
Chris- how about you try and eat some D.
Jocelyn- ok, I guess I can try that

Then I get whatever food D is and I stare at it. I move it around with my fork. I take a tiny nibble. I gag. And then I tell Chris I'm done and feel miserable.

Eating is such a chore. I don't enjoy any aspect of it. I wish I could just get all my nutrients through some sort of feeding tube inserted directly into my stomach so I don't actually have to eat. That would be nice.

Maybe by the time I get to month four I'll actually want to eat. But the way things are going I won't have to worry about gaining too much extra weight.

What have your food experiences been like in pregnancy?

It's ALIVE!!!

We had another doctor's appointment yesterday. Can I just say how much I hate getting up on those little beds and trying not to rip the paper? I hate it a lot. Chris made fun of me cause I sort of hopped onto the bed so I wouldn't slide the paper up. I don't know. Just agitating.

In other news, we got to hear the heartbeat! It was difficult to make out at first, but once I heard it in the background I couldn't help but start beaming. That's my little baby in there with the most beautiful rhythmic heartbeat I've ever heard. I wish I had a recording of it that I could listen to all the time. I've never heard such a pleasing sound. That little thump -thump- thump, thump- thump- thump... there's really a little baby in there.

I have to be honest, despite all my MANY pregnancy symptoms, sometimes I forget that I'm growing a child. It certainly explains why I'm so tired all the time, but usually I just feel sick. I haven't been able to successfully associate the two things in my brain. Maybe it's because I don't want to associate my precious baby with such a wretched feeling.

Speaking of pregnancy symptoms, I'm not nauseous all the time anymore! YAY! However, I do throw up a whole lot more. In fact I lost two pounds since my last doctor visit. The doctor didn't seem concerned but the only thing she seems concerned about is me going to a genetics testing information meeting. I've done some research and already decided that I don't want to get genetics testing. But she's pushing this meeting on me like my baby's life depends on it. I wonder if she gets some kind of bonus for each patient she sends. I really don't like my doctor. I'm looking forward to moving to Utah and finding a midwife.

Unfortunately the doctor pushed my due date back from August 19 to August 22. The closer this gets to the start of Fall semester, the more worried I get. The good news is that I get to spend the end of my pregnancy relaxing and eating bon bons (if I so desire) out of school. The bad news is that school starts like a week after the baby will be born. I wonder if my teachers will help me work out some kind of maternity leave. I mean this is BYU after all, girls are having babies left and right. I'm sure it will all work out.

Now I'm going to relax, read my baby name book, and replay that little thump-thump-thump over and over again in my head.

Decisions, decisions

I seem to have forgotten what life is like without constant nausea. I have vague recollections of exercising, going into my kitchen, cooking meals, enjoying food, standing for more than 10 minutes consecutively. But those all seem like dreams now. Being nauseous is the worst. I feel like I would be so much more excited about my new baby if I didn't feel so lousy all the time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm way excited! I just think I would be more so without the poorly named "morning sickness."

In other news, the doctor called and all is well and good in the baby department. All the tests I did came out with a big fat smiley face so hurrah!

As pregnancies go, at some point this child will have to come out and surprisingly enough there are a lot of options in this area: natural or epidural? hospital, birthing center, or at home? should I induce? Should I get a c-section? Midwife, doctor, doula or all three? And lots of other things I haven't thought of having never done this before.

SO to correct my ignorance I have been doing my fair share of research. Mama Birth is a great resource (the link is on the right sidebar) and I just re-watched two documentaries: Pregnant in America and The Business of Being Born. And I have to say, I'm leaning toward a home birth.

You may be thinking that I have some sort of pregnancy insanity but do a little research before you judge. The hospital is not your friend. They take patients. And quite frankly, when you're pregnant you don't need to be fixed, you're not sick (unless you're throwing up in your first trimester) and therefore you should be treated as a client and not a patient.

I believe that I should be allowed to labor for 30 hours if I need to and not have a doctor pressing me to get a c- section so he can be home for dinner. There are a lot of steps between the one and the other but you get my drift. A hospital is a business much like a restaurant. Restaurants want tables filled and emptied as fast as hospitals want beds filled and emptied. They can't make money if they're full.

Now that being said, I am not done with my research and my mind is not set. Obviously this kind of birth is not for everyone. What happens if you're birthing at home and something happens that could hurt mother or baby?? I guess that all depends on the midwife's skills and how close I live to a hospital. I think I'll get a midwife and a doctor and if my pregnancy is high risk I'll just take my midwife with me to the hospital.

Anyway, I am excited about all this and I'm excited to learn more and make the best decision for my family. And pray a lot about it. And soon enough I'll be doing research on whether to use cloth diapers, disposable, or EC (look that one up). I love research, It makes me giddy!

There's really a baby in there!

Up until this point I have had a sinking suspicion that I'm not really pregnant. That suspicion has only gotten stronger since we told our families that we're expecting. I was so nervous that now that we had made the announcement to the world, it would turn out that my body was just making those pregnancy symptoms since I wanted to be pregnant so bad. Well today, I learned that those three pregnancy tests I took weren't lying.

I had my first doctor's appointment today! It started off by the dreaded, "Here, pee into this cup." Of course the one time that I'm being asked to pee, my bladder is empty. Some how I mustered up a little something and in the process, peed all over my hand.  Does anyone ever do those things without getting pee all over themselves?? But that pee led my doctor to assure my that, yes I am pregnant.

I spent the rest of the day getting poked and prodded and probed. I feel so violated. I've been feeling sharp pains in my stomach which I read were due to my uterus growing, but the doctor seemed a little concerned, so she sent me to get some blood work and an ultrasound.

Unfortunately I had to get both the blood work and the ultrasound at two different places (also different from my doctor's office). But before that, my doctor sent me to get some possible remedies for this insatiable nausea. So instead of filling the prescription my doctor gave me, since I want to try and not use any drugs, I get to wear these cute little wristbands:

I'm lying. They're not cute. Mine are black and they look like sweatbands and I look like a tard and I'm not even sure they're working. They're made for sea sickness or motion sickness but in theory they should work for morning sickness too. The idea is that the little white plastic thing pushes a pressure point (acupressure) that relieves nausea. I think my nausea has gone from an 8 to a 3 but it's still not gone. We'll see if I'm able to go to work tomorrow.

The doctor also said that it's good to eat whatever sounds good to me, because I need food. And then she turned to Chris and said, "So give her whatever she wants."

So after our appointment, we went to McDonald's and I helped myself to a double cheeseburger and fries, which actually sounded good at the time.

Then we headed to get blood work, and after that the hospital for my ultra sound. I've never had an ultra sound so that was an experience all on it's own. For the most part the technician was looking at my uterus and organs and whatnot, nothing too interesting. Chris was absolutely enthralled which made her laugh because she wasn't looking at anything.

But then she turned the screen so I could see, and what I saw was the cutest little blob I have ever seen and a flickering spec that turned out to be the heartbeat.

There is it! My cute little blob!

Okay, I know there isn't much to look at, but to me it's incredible! That little blob is actually a growing baby, in my belly!!!

I'm just praying that everything is okay and that the doctor has good news when she looks at all my lab results. I want that little blob to keep growing into a cute, strong, healthy baby.

The GRAND parents got a special present today

Mele Kalikimaka, as they say here in Hawaii. And it was a very merry Christmas for Chris and my parents. As unhappy as I was, our morning started off at around 5am. My nausea and fatigue wanted me to stay asleep, wrapped in blankets until at least 9. But our families were opening some special presents this morning and the time difference between Hawaii and Colorado and Georgia meant that we had to get up early so that we could facetime.

Chris told his sister Jessica our exciting news, and I told my little sister Maddie. We got them each to find a babydoll, attach a little note and wrap it from 'Chris and Jocelyn'.

The present my parents unwrapped

Their reactions were priceless. Both sets of parents were so excited for us and we were so happy to hear it and to finally have some people find out about our exciting secret.

Now, it's only a matter of time until the rest of the world finds out, but at least for now it's pretty much sequestered to family.

As for the rest of my Christmas, it was fantastic! Did I mention that I'm typing this post on my brand new macbook pro?!!?! I have the best husband in the WHOLE world!

The only thing that would have made my day any better was a break from the nausea. I'm a little miserable. And it's a painful misery that not even my new macbook can console.

I'm going to go take a nap.

If there were ever a time for carbs...

I. Cant. Eat. Anything. Not that I'm puking up everything I eat, I just have zero appetite, overwhelming nausea, and a loud, obnoxious, and frequent gag reflex. I almost would prefer to be throwing up, maybe that would offer me some solace.

I was surprised to learn that even if I'm not puking, it's still called morning sickness. And what a joke that is. I might actually be able to function if this nausea only lasted during the morning hours. But no, I've been feeling the awful pain for three days now and it hasn't stopped since it started.

I'm freaking out, and I'm sick of being sick! What if the baby isn't getting enough nutrients because it's hard for me to eat anything besides dry frosted flakes. I should probably stop worrying and start eating.

The only thing that I feel like I can eat is bland carbs. Rice, mashed potatoes, english muffins, bread. It seems to help me feel a little better when my stomach isn't empty. But still, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to walk from one side of my room to the other.

Poor Chris is starting to feel like my hand maid and I feel awful about it...well sort of. If I was feeling better, I would really enjoy all this service I'm getting.

Worst of all is that at this time when we should be saving every last penny to prepare for our upcoming itty bitty, I have a really hard time going to work. All I have to do at work is sit at a stool and sell tram tickets and smile on occasion. And yet, even that is seeming impossible.

Well here's to hoping that this nausea doesn't remain an ever presence in my life for the next three months.

Pee on a stick day

I woke up at 4am, as I had become accustomed to over the past several days, and groggily made my way to the bathroom. The pregnancy test was right where I left it, sitting on the toilet lid where I placed it the night before after deeming today "pee on a stick" day.

Roughly two minutes later a little plus crawled across the display window. I couldn't keep a smile from erupting onto my face and I ran to wake up Chris who was still fast asleep, as any normal human would be at 4am. He wouldn't believe me until he saw the result for himself.

There was no going back to sleep after that. We hugged, we smiled, we laughed, we could hardly believe that this little plus meant that our lives were changed forever: we were going to have a baby and it was already growing inside me!

We crawled back into bed and dreamed about whether it would be a boy or girl, an athlete or a dancer or a musician or a writer. And then the panic set in, and with it the water works.

Our lives are really changing forever. We will never not be parents after this. And I have to birth a child (and a couple documentaries have shown me exactly what to expect for that). What if I'm a bad mom? What if the kid hates me? What if we don't have enough money? And there were about a million other what ifs that followed.

But Chris held me and assured me that everything would be alright and thankfully I have roughly nine months to come to terms with our new baby and read and research and prepare.

As much as I didn't want to, I had to get ready to go to my last day at my internship at Hawaii News Now. Worrying about my pregnancy would have to wait. It was a great last day, and it was definitely newsworthy.

I was heartbroken to learn that on the day I found out I was bringing a child into the world, at least 20 young children were murdered at Sandy Hook Elementary. It sickens me to think of the kind of world this is that crazed people shoot innocent children at a seemingly safe place like a school.

My immediate thought was that I would homeschool my children. And after that started to think about the hardships that my child will have to face in this crazy messed up world.

I'm already starting to think like a mother. And with a steadfast faith in my Father in Heaven, I know that somehow I'll be able to raise this baby the right way to help it succeed. I have a ton of crazy changes ahead of me and I'm honestly looking forward to every step in this journey.